Self-Compassion for Self-Abandonment: A Guide for those Who Stay Too Long

I sit here writing this piece from the comfort of my living room on a cool Sunday afternoon. It’s not where I had intended to be, I had thought I would be driving along the coast on the way home from a glorious weekend getaway – unfortunately, the weekend I had planned became quite complicated.

You see, like most other adults living in the world today, most definitely like a lot of other working mothers in the world today, I live a pretty hectic life. Coordinating two jobs, ongoing school and after school commitments for my eleven-year-old and thirteen-year-old, volunteering, travel for work, looking after the house, the boys, my newly adopted chickens... it’s a lot.

In an attempt to balance this out, generally every three to six months I save a little bit of money to take myself away for a weekend of respite on my own. The conditions – it must allow me space with minimal human interactions. It must be in nature, ideally where I can spend more time staring at trees than the usual laptop screen or piles of laundry in my home. And finally, there must be an indoor fireplace and ideally a bath/spa.

Ahead of a few big weeks of travel and work, I had managed to carve out a period of three nights and I found the most amazing property. Incredibly isolated in nature, reports of koala and even platypus spotting, indoor fireplace, outdoor spa and even a sauna! I was beyond excited and couldn’t wait to speak to the host to see if I could make this property a reality for my weekend. The host approved my booking request and I was over the moon! I cleared my schedule, made a rough plan of timings and was all set to arrive within a 24-hour period.

What happened in the next 24 hours, however, was unexpected and ultimately led to me driving in the dark, dodging mobs of kangaroos in the middle of night, to get home, on the very first night of what was supposed to be my three night stay.

Upon booking I happened to read the profile of the host on the booking site and felt there were some crossovers perhaps in the ways we live our lives. There were similarities in traveling adventures, some spirituality alignments etc. The host seemed like an interesting person and similar to a friend of mine, so I began communications feeling positive and hopeful they would understand the intentions of my weekend away.

The tone of the messages I received started off as friendly but if I am honest with myself, they were somewhat too familiar, I quietly thought to myself ‘I hope this person understands I am really just seeking a beautiful getaway and not anything further’. But then, only a few hours after confirming the booking, a contact form came through from my personal website from the host. This in itself stopped me in my tracks as it gave me an indication that they were somewhat researching me, and also making this now the third place we were communicating – text messages, emails and now through my website.

The responses to the form that sits on my personal site felt concerning…

‘Having a deep conversation to embody relatedness and connect on levels beyond mere minds...’

And in response to the question ‘How did you hear about me?’ the host responded ‘Through serendipity of course. Or perhaps the Universe had a plan...’

I could feel my stomach start to churn. But I also felt my almost desperate desire to get away for the weekend and felt if there was something that wasn’t aligned in all of this, that I could straighten it out by making my intentions for a quiet and restful weekend very clear upon my arrival.

The next morning, I received a message on WhatsApp with a song the host thought I might like. That made it four different communication methods in less than 24 hours. I knew that this wasn’t right and it certainly didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. It was feeling much less like a simple business accommodation transaction.. more of something else.

In the lead up to arriving to the property I texted the host to say that I was starting to feel unwell and would be arriving a little later, and that I wouldn’t be able to make the previously arranged chai that had been offered upon checking in. I was clear to speak about how important these getaways for me in restoration and that I was keen for time on my own.

I drove closer and closer to the accommodation. My final stop, in the closest town about twenty minutes away, I received a final message speaking to the anticipation the host was feeling for my arrival. I heard a small and quiet voice within me say ‘Don’t go. Turn back home’. 

Again, I was so determined to have my weekend away I told this voice that it was overreacting, that I had this under control, that the host was probably just trying to be kind.

I drove on.

What happened over the course of that day was nothing beyond what I had already experienced since the initial booking. There were further crossing of boundaries, a real feeling of discomfort upon meeting, a further invitation to spend time together. I yet again talked myself down and tried to make it okay.

That night though, when I was slowly starting to shut the cabin down for the night and things were getting dark and quiet, something in my body began to RAGE. Get out, it said. Get out now.

Finally, I listened.

Finally, after 36 hours of completely gaslighting myself and abandoning my own instinct, I finally left. I packed all my newly unpacked belongings back into the car, I called my partner, and I drove the three hours back to my safe home.

I have since had almost a full weekend at home following this failed attempt of a getaway. In that time I have processed what happened and felt quite a bit of anger. The anger I have felt has been both directed to the experience and loss of what should have been a simple accommodation booking and weekend getaway, but mostly, anger that it took me so long to listen to my instincts and stand for myself.

This is not the first time. In the past I have endured crazy harmful work situations and unhealthy relationship dynamics where in the very early stages my body and instinct have been clearly saying NO. And I have carried on anyway.

How did this manage to happen again? After all I know, after all I have been through? Why do I keep making my way into uncomfortable and at times dangerous situations?

The truth is - I know exactly why. And I can also find a lot of self-compassion for the reasons that sit behind the actions I have made in the past and this situation that yet again caught me over the weekend.

So, I decided that instead of letting anger and regret lead me, I would focus on self-compassion over this weekend. I created what I'm calling a 'self-compassion for self-abandonment' practice. Because the truth is, there is a lot to love about myself and my decisions in this situation.

I am sharing it here as I know I am not alone in this and I hope my experience can at least be a gift to someone reading. Here it is…

Part 1 – Clearing

I started by opening all the doors and windows of my lovely safe home. I lit one of my botanical bundles and worked on clearing any fearful, angry, stuck energy from me and my surroundings. I welcomed in any insights for myself and feelings of self compassion and understanding.

Part 2 – Feeling

The actions I took to get to the accommodation and return home happened so quickly and at times I was aware of shutting feelings down in my body as part of that process. Step two for me, therefore, was about slowing down, breathing deeply and feeling all of the feelings my body had been asking me to feel. The fear, the anger, the sadness, the closure. I allowed all of it and sat with it patiently until it quietened down in its own time.

Part 3 – Insights

I am a fan of tarot and oracle cards to help me see greater insights into situations and therefore I took the time to draw a series of cards to open me further. I gained some real value out of this activity, particularly around themes to do with my own personal power and not needing to hide that away.

Part 4 – Learnings

Instead of beating myself up about the ‘could have, would have, should have’ narrative, I decided to instead write a script of what this situation could have looked like with the awareness and insights I have now. This was hugely empowering for me and gave me almost a vision of how this type of situation could unfold differently in the future, if necessary.

Part 5 – Love

Although there were things I would do differently from the past few days, there is a lot to celebrate as well. I decided to pull out my most beautiful stationary and write myself a letter – sharing the things I am proud of, compassion for the areas I am hard on myself and just a general big amount of love.

Part 6 – Moving Forward

And so it is. Following all of these parts of the practice, I took myself down to our local beach to move my body, shake out any of the tensions I have been holding and be ready to move forward. I do so knowing I have alchemized this situation, and I am ready to move on. There are too many good things in life, too many other lovely and healthy accommodation getaways in the world. Thank you for the learnings, and goodbye.

-

And as I sign off on this practice I do so knowing self-abandonment and people-pleasing is something I have in common with many people, in particular many women. We are conditioned to override our instincts about things, to protect others' fragility and to smile regardless of the situation.

This is my attempt to arm myself and anyone reading this with new artillery.

With love, Diana

Written by storyteller, celebrant and founder of Ceremonial, Diana Fisk.